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First blog post

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I stayed in Manila for almost a year, and I can really say that social influences are as strong as a drug, but it still depends on the person if she will be vulnerable to these kind of temptations.

I still don’t know why stereotyping is really rampant in provinces. This toxic Filipino province culture is when you came from Manila and these province people pegs you as wild, rowdy, alcoholic and even an ill-mannered type of person just because you came from the Urban. Actually, these stereotyping didn’t surprise me. After all, I was expecting that people will be judging me just because of the fact that I already have adopted the Manila culture. But the question is, did I?

So what if a person wears revealing clothes? So what if a lady goes to school with make-up? The major problem here is people tend to “critically” judge things based from what they know is right and appropriate. These province people always pulls out the “Hey-you-know-what-you-can’t-dress-like-that-here, you’re-not-in-Manila” card. Ironic how “well-reared” province people condem ladies like that where in fact when you go to fashion botiques, you’ll be surprised that they are all selling these fabulously trendy revealing outfits that is imported from Manila.

It’s funny how province people practice conservativism while trying their best-est to look like one hell of a Manila peep.

Like hello, seems that you’re including yourself in those stereotypes, gurl.

It’s always not about where you came from, or in what environment have you been. It will always depend on the person on how will they carry their life properly. It is how strong you are to resist temptations and social influences that might affect your being.

Yes, I made my point.

The Irony of Stereotyping in the Rural (The Manila Girl ideology)

Hi ya’ll! This has been the busiest summer so far. As you can see, my last post was last March and up until now, I haven’t updated anything yet.

Maybe next month or the other, I will be posting my next blog but rest assured, the topics that I am going to post is already on due process. There’s so many that I wanted to post, but as of now, I am more focused on myself, my family and my friends. It’s summer yah know, and we all know the drill.

I am very sorry for the inconvinience at the moment. I miss blogging and I will be posting soon.

– vielle x

[ Update ]

Akala ko ba maghihintay? Akala ko ba not now but soon? Akala ko ba babalik ka? Bakit parang hanggang akala nalang?

Sabi mo ako ang private nurse mo, pero bakit iba na yang gumagamot sayo? Sabi mo magpapahinga ka lang, pero bakit parang sa iba ka yata nagpapahinga? Sabi mo saakin dati, “lab, mahal mo ba ko?”, pero bakit sa iba mo na tinatanong?

Ayoko na sanang tanungin, kase mukhang alam ko na ang sagot. Ayoko na magtanong ng “ako pa ba?” kase alam ko na ang sasabihin mo- “sorry, may mahal na kong iba”. Takot ako. Natakot ako na baka nakahanap ka ng iba. Pero mukhang nagkatotoo yata.

Gusto ko pa sanang mahawakan yang kamay mo, pero may nakahawak na palang iba. Gusto pa sana kitang mayakap, kaso may nauna na. Gusto ko pa sanang maramdaman kung anong pakiramdam ng masabihan mo ko ng “mahal kita”, kaso naalala ko. Di na pala pwede kase sa iba mo na pala yan sinasabi.

Masaya ka naman ah? Masaya naman tayo. Pero bakit tila lahat yata nagbago? Bakit parang napag iwanan yata ako? Gusto ko pa sanang kumapit sayo, kaso wala na pala kong kakapitan. Wala na pala kong dapat kapitan dahil yung kakapitan ko nakakapit na sa iba.

Ayoko sana mamili ka saming dalawa, pero yun lang kase yung paraan para malaman ko kung kakapit pa ba ko o bibitaw na ko. Hindi mo naman talaga kase kelangan mamili saming dalawa. Kase kung ako lang talaga sa umpisa palang ako lang sana. Hindi mo naman ako dapat balikan kase sa una palang dapat di mo na ko iniwan.

Hindi ka makasagot kung sino saaming dalawa. Pero yun na nga. Yun na mismo yung sagot.

Mahal kita, kaso masakit na.

We were happy before. BEFORE. Those old times where we both walk our way home after school. Those times where we both procrastinate in our homework. Those times where laughter echoes the corridor. Those old times that we still both held hands and never let go.

But as time passes by, seems that the air has blown to the other direction.

Everything was fine, until you met her.

I can still remember those times where time is really hard to manage, where even saying hello is something hard to do. I can still remember when I allow myself to sleep without even fixing the chaos brought by ourselves. I can still remember those times where I became egoistic and selfish, where I blind myself to the fact that I am a catastrophe, not knowing that someone’s hurting by that time.

I allow the problem to subsist, and that’s one fault I feel guilty about. I became selfish, you became arrogant. We were on the verge of our relationship, and sadly, we both fell on that verge. We ended up breaking each others heart, one thing that we don’t usually do.

As we fell, we both get lost. We were both like stray cats, finding shelter and comfort. We’ve been searching for something that we’ve lost lately, and that is love and happiness.

I choose to hold on to that hope that we’re getting back together. I have high hopes. Everday, I waited for a sign. A sign that would tell me that he’ll be back. But it turns out that I just wasted my time waiting.

You are happy now, in someone else’s hands.

Maybe some people are meant to light up our hearts, but just for a moment.

I still want to hold on, but seems that there’s nothing to hold on to. You are now happy, she makes you happy. Who am I to be such a disturbance for the both of you? I’m still fighting to take you back, still hoping that one day, you’ll realize that it’s only me that matters. But for what?

Since I really love you, I let you choose between me and her. It’s been days, but I’m getting nothing. You aren’t even answering my answer.

But I guess, not having the answer is an answer.

Loving is letting go.

I have a purpose in this chaotic world. A world that seems to be crowded by empty people, walking down the streets at night, searching for serenity and peace. A world, where children in some parts of the world are deprived even with the simplest right to be educated. A world, where kindness is a bad thing, and with that, you are different.

I have a purpose to be of help to others. The priviledged should hold hands together as they began their mission to offer a helping hand to the needy.

I have a purpose to become a keen observer of the society, in order for me to filter those things that needs to be taken action.

As a student, I have a purpose to educate myself and others, for the perseverance of the mission that needs to be acted out by the future contributors.

As a daughter, I have a purpose to mold myself for the future that awaits me. To be responsible enough for my actions, and to be wise enough in making decisions.

As a beautiful steward of My Creator, I have a purpose to maintain peace and harmony that starts within myself. A beautifully made creature who wholeheartedly dedicate her existence for the reconstruction of our problematic society.

I am blessed physically, mentally, and spiritually, and by that, I have a purpose.

I have a purpose.

“Sir, I love you”

The schoolyear is about to end, and I am planning to confess to my teacher, the one that I’ve been talking about in my past few blogs. I’m going to tell him that I have feelings for him. What do you guys think? Any suggestions? Should I push through?

Hoping for your answers 🙂

To confess, or not to confess?

Hi again, Sir. This week will probably be the last week of this schoolyear. I mean, my week. Last monday, last tuesday, wednesday, thursday, and friday. Last 6 days of schooldays.

Meaning, last 6 days to see you.

The last six chances.

What could probably happen on moday? See you in the hallways?

Tuesday? See you at the canteen?

Wednesday? See you entering a classroom?

Thursday? See you facing your laptop?

Friday? See you talking to a random student?

I don’t know. We don’t know.

The best thing I can do is to anticipate. I mean, I know I’m going to have the last 2 chances to meet you. The first one is when I am going to be submitting my output, second is when I am going to ask for my grades. 2 effin’ chances left to see my favorite teacher. I mean, to see this guy who makes my heart pump a little bit.

I hope you’re silently sleeping. It’s 12:58 AM and I’m here, still awake. I just finished the final requirement needed in your subject.

See you tomorrow sir! Goodnight.

Photo source: Google

The last 6 days: An open letter

I’m stuck

Stuck whether to tell or not to tell

To write or to hide

To close the door, or keep it open

Should I prolonge the agony?

Or should I let it be?

If ever I’ll choose to be risky,

Would you do the same?

I am drunk on the idea of love

drunk on the idea that you once become my hero

You once comforted me with your words

And now, you always gave comfort everytime you smile

I always hope to see you in the hallways

Hoping that maybe you’ll see me, and you’ll ask how my day went

But then again, I’m just a student

And you’re always inside the faculty.

3:13 AM thoughts.

I once witnessed a luminous moon

Beautiful, elegant, perfect.

I always wanted to touched the moon, but then I realized I’m so far from it.

Every night, I always want to see a moon, but the moon only shines once a month.

The moon can never be touched, but it can be seen. It always shine everytime it shows up. It lits up the night sky. It gives light to the dark.

And sometimes, the moon are people.

We have always this one person that will always be our moon. That person shines the brightest in our eyes. For us, that person is always the reason why darkness is sometimes worth waiting for.

Sometimes, challenges are worth looking up to.

Photo source: Google images

Moon perception of a night person.

Dear Sir,

I take my exam today, and you are my proctor. It was during Statistics where I reached my limit and I cried. I cried because I cannot answer the remaining 25 items since all of the questions aren’t taught to us. Everybody submitted their paper and go home, but I was still on my seat, answering and hoping that the answer would just pop up the test paper.

I was seated right in front of you, and you witnessed how I cried. You witnessed how I cringe when I cannot even get the right computation. You witnessed how my eyes turned watery until tears just naturally came out of my eyes.

I cried.

And you are there.

You are the one who comforted me. You are the one who still believes in me even at my dullest moment. I was so disappointed of myself at that time. I feel like a failure, but you never made me feel that way. You even told me that crying won’t make any sense. You told me to just guess the answer, after all it won’t matter.

I never cried in front of a teacher, and you are the first one to witness my tears. It’s like you’re wiping all of my tears using your words. I did not expect that from you. I never even think of you being so kind. You’re such a kind person, and I think you deserve all the kindness in the world.

You’re giving me so much reasons to love you.

Disclaimer: the teacher that I am referring to is the teacher that I am talking about in my last blog

An open letter to the teacher who called me “darling”

First of all, how to act like a girl?

“Keep your knees closed while sitting”

“Dress properly. No shorts, no shoulders off, no cleavage, no croptops.”

“Control your laugh. It doesn’t look nice when a girl laughs louder than a man.”

“Wear jeans and shirts so that men won’t sexualize you.”

“Sit properly.”

“No slutty poses in pictures. That’s so like a hoe.”

“No duck faces. No tounges out. You’re not Miley nor Kylie. Act like an Emma Watson.”

The society today dictates all the actions of women. Inappropiateness can lead to danger. Freedom of expression in terms of dressing is like a security box, chained and locked.

Acting like a girl and women means expressing oneself without any hesitations. Because given the fact that danger is all aroynd, still, women are strong enough to fight.

Now, in this male dominated society, how should a girl act like a girl?

Act like a girl.

Before anything else sir, I wrote you a letter that I will be giving you at the very last day of this schoolyear.

Finals is fast approaching, but you haven’t discuss the last topic yet. You told us last friday that you’ll discuss the topic tomorrow. Well sir, guess what, I’m looking forward to it! Why? Because sir, I like you.

I don’t know, but everytime I look at you I’m getting butterflies inside my stomach. Everytime you call me “darling”, it’s not your voice that I hear, but it’s the sweet sound of “darling” that makes music. You have this power to catch all of our attention, to catch my attention.

The whole semester went so smooth. I was so happy I got the chance to meet you. You are so respectful in all ways, in all aspects. You talk to a girl as if they have all the due respect. You always talk to me as if I’m a princess. Well, thankyou for making me feel like a princess when my dad can’t make me feel like one.

Why should I feel like this? Why should I feel as if I have feelings for you? Why does my heart needs to pump a little bit harder everytime I see you? Why do I need to get these butterflies in my stomach everytime you call me “darling”? Anyway, why does “darling” sound so sweet to me?

Recently, I often think about you, and I can conclude that I’ve been crushing on for these past few days, but why? Why do I need to feel like I have a huge crush on you? Why sir? What have you done?

I know what you’re thinking sir. I know. This is so wrong. This shouldn’t be happening. I feel so dumb. I know I shouldn’t be crushing on you because in the first place you have a wife. But I’m sorry sir. I need to vent this out.

If only I was born in some other time, maybe we can be possible. Maybe this love can be.

I love you, Sir.

When I was a couple of days old, my grandmother rushed to the hospital, payed half of the hospital bill, wrap me in cloth and hurried their way home.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

At nights when my scream echoed the whole street like a lion roaring for food, my grandmother boiled me those bitter herbs to make my stomach feel better.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

At sleepless nights when they danced me to sleep and wake up at 2 AM just to make me a glass of milk for my arrogant body.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

When the time came where my legs are enough to be sturdy, my grandmother is always there to be the support, to be the helping hand so that I will be able to walk the way of life.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

When I fall on my knees, my grandmother told me to stand up on my own, but not leaving me behind for she teaches me to be strong when I am at my weakest point.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

When I reached the age of 4, my grandmother made me wore a white and neat uniform that matches my black and shiny shoes that symbolizes the starting stage of my education, while my grandfather fetches me to school, buys me my favorite fruit drink and goes home at dawn.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

When I reached highschool, my grandmother taught me stay away from boys that had nothing to do but stare at my woman-ness with fires ignited inside them.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

When my grandmother sent me to a catholic institution, providing all my necessities, she told me that I should be grateful for all the things that God has given me.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

I was told once to go home at 5:00 PM before dawn kisses the night just to protect me from the predators that may consume my entire being while I am drunk on the idea of love.

Thing you never did when I was a kid.

When I was crying at 1 AM on a monday night, my grandmother told me that sometimes life brings us down but we need to be strong enough to lift ourselves up.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

When I portrayed the role of Mother Mary in our stage musical during my tenth grade, my grandmother sew me a white robe that I will be using during the competition, reminding me that the dress is the cloth of bravery and wit that I am going to showcase on stage.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

When I won the stage musical, my grandmother told me that life is a theater and I am the main character of my story.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

When I am able to make decissions all by myself, my grandparents motivated me well to decide what path I am going to take, for I am the only one held liable of my future.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

And now that I am on my eleventh grade, my grandmother still prays for me, takes care of me as if I’m her daughter, showered me with love and respect.

The thing you never did when I was a kid.

The thing you never did when I was a kid

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He who does good things is blessed twice.

When a person commits a mistake, it does not give the other person the right to treat a person like shit. That’s the reason why criminals have jails to cling in, guards that maintains peace and order, sufficient supply of food and water and bed to rest.

If a person seems to be doing bad things, do not let yourself be conquered by anger. Instead, breathe. Think of many reasons to be happy. Think of ways to help that person. Instaed of holding a grudge, try to deep breath and talk to the person in a right manner, like how your parents talk to you when you we’re still 5. Be considerate of what others will feel, even if it means sacrificing your ego. Let that person digest all the anger first before rebutting. Remeber, good things comes to those who wait.

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You can look back, but you can never go back

Before, when I was still in the province, I dreamed of going to school riding a vehicle. I dreamed of traveling going to school and going home everyday. Well, who would’ve dream of something like that when you’re house is so near to your school? In my nine years of schooling at la consolacion, I just walk my whole life. I never rode a jeep, a bus, a car, or even a padyak. Just sometimes if the weather isn’t good. Very optional. Waking up at 6:00 AM isn’t a very hard thing for me. I am just 3-5 minutes away from my school so who would bother waking up at 5 AM right? Even if I wake up at 6:30, I still wont be late. Imagine going to school every morning without traffic issues, without burdens, stress and all, like, I would just cross the road, walk a little bit and tadaaaah, hello to my school! Arrivibg at the school, my room is at the fourth floor and our school isnt that big so its never a hassle for me. Returning to my home at sunset, seeing the beautiful color of dawn at 5:30 in the afternoon is just so cool. Like, I wont be stressing myself because my house is just right there. But my life changed when I reached grade 11.

Of course I got excited at my first day of school. At last, my dream of riding a vehicle going to school will happen. I was so happy at that day because I feel so independent, I feel like a traveler. Like wow, I reach the school alone riding a vehicle. Even when going home, I really feel like a pro going home alone, knowing that my house is far away from my school.

I really enjoyed it, not until I realized the reality in Manila.

I realized that things are getting worse and even worse each day. I feel like im not enjoying it anymore, but its becoming a part if my life. That “worse” feeling is becoming normal to me everyday. Before, I really enjoyed manila because of its tall buildings, many cars around, a train station, malls, many people of different races. But nit until I experienced real traffic, thick smoke coming from jeepneys and buses, last trips that would lead you to waiting like forever for a vacant seat, rush hour, people that doesnt care if there bumped at you, things like that. 

When I was in the province, I really adore the idea of Manila. The tall buildings, many people roaming around and the like. Maybe I am just overwhelmed because here in the province, you will see familiar faces everyday, but in manila, different day, different faces,. In the provinces, all I see is houses and very limited vehicles and pedicabs, but in manila, i see trucks, buses, cars of different kinds.

When it’s 8:00 in the evening in the province, our place is as quiet as a ghost town, but when I reach manila, 8:00 seems 6:00 pm. The streets of manila is always busy. Unlike in the province, the streets at night is so quiet you wont even hear vehicles passing by. 

I am literally swallowing all the words I said before. Be careful what you wish for, like what they say. At this moment, that is the biggest mistake I have done in my life. Now that I cannot do anything about it, all I can do is accept the fact.

If only I listened to mommy, my life wouldve been different today.

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Late night strolling

When I was still in the province, my grandparents never allowed me to go outside the house late at night. Well, who will? I wasn’t able to go with my friends, even if it’s saturday. I never experienced walking the streets at night with my friends, or even, nor I was permitted to go to a party or a birthday. My grandparents are so strict to the point that they even confiscated my phone eveytime I come home 5:30 PM after school.

When I grew older, same rules apply. I was grade 10 way back then, when daddy still fetches me to school, checking me out if I was with someone, or with that rumored guy they just heard. Well, that’s true. I was always with this guy. Mommy, my license, always take me on a hot seat whenever I arrive at our house late. That was a hard job for me, maybe because I need to lie? Or maybe I’m just sick and tired of all the rants they throw to me.

I was always this girl with strict parents because they always caught me with this guy I’ve been dating since August last year.

Until one time, when this guy finally steps the territory of our house, my grandparents lessened their rants about me.

One cold evening, this guy visits me in our house. At that time, that was ny scheduled trip way back to Manila. Of course, the guy will miss me, he visits me in our house to see me, and to enjoy every moment with me.

On that very evening, I craved for balot and isaw. It was already 9:00PM that time, and when I ask permission to my grandparents, they permitted me to go outside with this guy.

I was really happy that time, because that was the very first time to be with him at night time. Well I almost forgot, the first time was when we had our prom, so basically, this is our second. This is so memorable to me. Being with someone you love? That is so priceless. 

I was so happy because I was permitted to go out. After so many years of chaining myself inside that house, I finally experience becoming a teenager. I really never experienced something like that before, and the idea of midnight strolling makes me fall inlove even harder. It makes me escape at night with him, but of course, that would be a big mistake.

The lesson I learned, and the lesson I’m trying to impliment in my blog is that, teenagers are vulnerable creatures, and we can’t blame elders for becoming so strict to us, thus, we should thank them for implementing rules to us, for teaching us the morals and conducts we need in order to grow straight.

Another thing here is, never keep secrets from your parents. It’s okay to be scolded for having a boyfriend. Well, it’s a better thing. After sometime, they’ll eventually realize that we are still humans, learning how to love. Learning to become human, and enjoying our life being a teenager.

Let your suitor enter the gates of hell. Let your suitor stand infront of Hades (daddy). In this process, you will know if your suitor really has good intentions to you, and this is your privilege also. Your parents will trust you both and they will never think that you will do something disappointing.

P.S. i love it when my bae sweats everytime he’s talking to mom lol

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My first blog post

It’s a good thing to talk about anything you want, and wordpress is the best “comfort room” to write all your burdens, happiness and so many more. I love wordpress already 😆

I’m really so not in the mood to write something today, but still, I need to practice my vocabulary so lol hahaha let me please.